Using Parts Work to Understand Attachment Styles

Have you ever felt so drawn to someone in one moment, and then in the next moment you felt like you wanted to run far away? Human emotions and behaviours can often appear complex and perplexing. The journey of understanding ourselves and our relationships becomes more manageable when we look through the lens of Parts Work. How can Parts Work shed light on attachment styles? Let’s take a look at the anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic.

For those who are new to Parts Work, also known as Internal Family Systems (IFS), it is a therapeutic approach that conceptualizes the human psyche as consisting of various inner "parts". Each part has its unique beliefs, emotions, and motivations. The central premise of Parts Work is to understand and integrate these inner parts to achieve inner harmony and emotional well-being.

Attachment styles, as introduced by John Bowlby and later expanded upon by attachment theorists, describe the patterns of emotional bonding and connection individuals form with others. The two attachment styles we'll focus on are anxious and avoidant.

• The Anxious Attachment Style: The Clingy Protector

Anxious individuals are often characterized by a heightened need for closeness and reassurance in their relationships. They may fear abandonment and rejection intensely. In the context of Parts Work, the anxious attachment style can be likened to a dominant inner part that craves connection and validation. This inner part is the "Clingy Protector." It operates from a place of deep vulnerability and anxiety, and its primary objective is to safeguard against the perceived threat of abandonment. It may manifest as excessive worry, overthinking, or seeking constant reassurance, all in an effort to maintain the connection it so desperately needs.

• The Avoidant Attachment Style: The Self-Sufficient Guardian

Avoidant individuals, on the other hand, tend to value their independence and may struggle with emotional intimacy. They are often characterized by their ability to maintain emotional distance. In the context of Parts Work, the avoidant attachment style can be represented by an inner part called the "Self-Sufficient Guardian.” This inner part strives to protect against the potential hurt of rejection or vulnerability. It might manifest as emotional detachment, self-reliance, or a reluctance to rely on others for emotional support. The Self-Sufficient Guardian's primary objective is to maintain autonomy and self-sufficiency.

Attachment styles often manifest as a dynamic interplay between these inner parts. So, for example, in the anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic, the Clingy Protector and the Self-Sufficient Guardian engage in a protective dance. The Clingy Protector seeks connection to mitigate the fear of abandonment, while the Self-Sufficient Guardian seeks independence to shield from potential emotional harm.

This dynamic can create confusion and tension within, as you may oscillate between craving closeness and pushing others away. Feel familiar? Recognizing this interplay is crucial for understanding attachment styles and their impact on your relationships. Until I explored these dynamics and parts of myself, I often experienced this desire to be close to others at times, while at other times there were parts of me that had me convinced I was better off alone.

The path to healing involves acknowledging and embracing these inner parts, recognizing their protective roles, and cultivating a more balanced relationship with them. Through Parts Work, individuals can work towards integrating the Clingy Protector and the Self-Sufficient Guardian, allowing for a healthier and more secure approach to relationships.

Reach out today if you are feeling called to explore your attachment styles from the lens of your parts. Let's go on this journey together.