How can you break free from the conditioning that has taught you to show up inauthentically? This is a question I found myself pondering as I was about to straighten and style my hair for my client sessions today. Thankfully I caught myself in the moment, as I had just been doing some inner child work which involved connecting with photos of my younger self.
Why did this feel significant enough to share with you? It's a reminder that no matter how long we are on the path of coming home, there are always more layers of conditioning to shed. Moments prior, I had shown up online and had some beautiful connections with people commenting how much they loved my natural hair, and yet here I was, about to ‘tame’ the waves so that I could appear more ‘professional’ for my clients.
Instead, I looked in the mirror and tuned into the little girl that still lives within. As I peered into the eyes of this innocent child, I asked myself when it was that she started believing that she wasn’t enough? When did she start telling herself that she had to be perfectly polished and manicured? She certainly didn’t feel this way as a child…so when did it all begin?
As a child, I was wildly expressive. I loved to sing and dance and play outside. I had this wild and curly hair that my Mother was unable to tame. I cannot count the number of photos in which my hair looked like I had been riding around in a convertible with the top down. And then one day, this little girl began to feel like she didn’t fit in. She was told she was too loud, too weird, too wild. She was bullied and picked on for the way that she looked, which led her to be hyper vigilant about her appearance. She started shaming and hating her body so much that she covered it in multiple layers, in spite of the hot and humid summers in her hometown.
And once she was finally old enough, she started to wear makeup and colour her hair. To blow-dry and style it according to whatever the current trend told her would make her pretty. She now had access to padded bras and eyelash extensions to make herself appear like she fit in. But she always felt uncomfortable. Her inner child yearned for that wild and carefree version of herself that she once used to be.
Insert years of unraveling what she had created. This included trips to the jungles of Peru and ashrams in India. Multi-day hikes and living in a van in New Zealand. Rediscovering the experiences that brought pure joy, and reclaiming years that were lost chasing a dream that felt flat and lifeless. Many adventures were had in search of this younger version of herself, while asking her who she really wanted to be in this world.
And then, one day she had a realization. That little girl was inside of her all along. She simply had to shed away the layers of what she had believed she needed to be to fit in. To stop buying into what society told her were ideals of beauty, or what defined her success, and come back to the most authentic version of who she was. At her core. To begin expressing this version in little and big ways, understanding that there were years of conditioning that she would continue to uncover along the way.
Why do I share this story? My guess is that most people can relate if they insert the details of their own life. That we are all living in a world that tells us who we need to be, how we need to show up, what we need to own, in order to be of value. But guess what? You do not need to DO or HAVE anything. You simply need to BE the most wildly expressed version of your AUTHENTIC self. This is not to say that you cannot style your hair or wear makeup (because I imagine I still will from time to time). It’s simply an invitation to tune into WHY you are doing the things you are doing, and whether it feels in ALIGNMENT with how you want to show up in the world.
Does this resonate for you? If so, you may be thinking ‘thanks for bringing this to my attention, Laura, but now what do I do?’ I am not asking you to quit your job, get rid of your possessions and sell your home to travel the world. Although it was very liberating, I recognize it was a luxury and privilege that I had as a single woman who comes from an affluent country. I had also spent a great deal of my 20s and early 30s focused on career and accumulating wealth (but perhaps we will save the story of how I financed my world travels for another time). I’m sharing a few steps you can take, in case you are feeling curious about how to start tuning into your natural/authentic/wild/true self.
The first step is to become aware of the ways in which you’re hiding your true self. Are you suppressing certain parts of yourself because you believe they’re not acceptable? Are you telling yourself that you need to act a certain way to fit in? Once you become aware of these patterns, you can start to challenge them. This can be something as simple as straightening your wavy hair, or it can feel as big as not pursuing a vision you have for your life because it goes against how you have been conditioned to show up in the world.
You don’t have to completely overhaul your life and start acting in a completely different way overnight. Instead, you can start by expressing your true opinions about something in a conversation with a friend. Or maybe you start pursuing a hobby that you’ve always been interested in but have been too afraid to try.
Patience is an important part of the process. Breaking free from the conditioning that has taught you to show up inauthentically is a process, and it’s not always easy. You may slip back into old patterns from time to time, but the more you practice showing up authentically, the easier it will become.
While it may be scary to break free from the conditioning that has taught you to show up authentically, it’s important to remember that authenticity is the only way to build genuine connections with others and truly know yourself. Are you ready to release your patterns and live a more authentic life?
