Learning to Stay in Self

I'm going to let you in on a secret. And it might be one that resonates for a few of you... But for much of my life, I believed that being loving meant making sure everyone else was okay.  I didn't want to upset people. I didn't want to disappoint them or step on their toes. If I sensed someone was hurt by my choices, a part of me immediately wanted to explain myself, fix it, or quietly disappear.

Looking back, I can see those weren't flaws…they were protective parts doing exactly what they had learned to to. One of the greatest gifts of Internal Family Systems (IFS) has been realizing that we all have these protective parts. The people-pleaser. The perfectionist. The avoider. The fixer. They aren't the problem at all.  They’re trying to keep us safe, and in my internal world, safety meant that I would be okay if everyone else was okay.

I even had a part that started studying psychology at a young age, hoping to better understand myself and the people around me, so that I could make sure everything was okay. And then, I found that underneath those parts, there is something deeper. 

The calm, compassionate, curious, grounded essence of who we are at our core.  Underneath all of the parts.  IFS calls it the SELF, but feel free to call it whatever resonates for you.

Living from Self doesn't mean everyone will agree with our choices or that life will always feel harmonious.  Sometimes living in alignment means disappointing someone. Sometimes it means relationships shift.  Sometimes it means allowing another person to have an experience we can't fix (I know, uncomfortable, right?)

But perhaps that's one of the most loving things we can do.  For ourselves and for others. To stay present with our own paths while allowing others to have theirs. Not bypassing the experience, or acting like those challenging experiences and emotions shouldn’t exist, but trusting that I don't need to carry someone else's emotions in order to care about them.

Remembering that every person I meet has an inner world, protective parts, and a deeper Self beneath it all—just as I do.

Now…I share this, because it’s a life lesson I’m still learning. I still notice the part of me that wants everyone to understand my choices. The part that fears conflict. The part that wants to retreat when things feel uncomfortable.  The part that hopes everyone else is having a great time, in order for me to feel relaxed.

The difference is that those parts no longer have to drive. Instead, I can meet them with compassion, return to my center, and continue showing up authentically.  Being able to hold space for other people (and their parts), without getting swept away by mine.

Maybe that's what healthy relationships really are.

Not losing ourselves in one another.

Not hardening ourselves against one another.

But meeting from Self to Self, while making space for our beautifully human parts along the way. What do you think?

Love,

Laura